Patently Stupid

Fortunately being retarded isn’t patented, so anyone is free to do it.

This is quite evident in the software and technology industry, where patents are the same sort of currency white men are in prison.

But the process of patenting is so heavily flawed that an invention can range from say, clicking a button, to Apple’s latest effort – a cube for navigation.

Remember back years ago when cheesy websites were using those ugly Java cubes to browse the site?  Apple’s had this great idea to do the same thing with OS X Leopard.  Guess they were too busy re-inventing the cube to look for prior art?

Using Google’s relatively new patent search (patent probably pending), I’ve managed to track down some other classic examples of patent retardation.

Note: There are real and valid uses for patents – they’re designed to protect ideas and inventions, and sometimes they do.  Usually they’re just a trading card for businesses to extort each other with, or they’re rather obvious “inventions” someone is hoping to extort a business with when they infringe on it.

• US Pat. 5960411: Amazon, and their apparent invention of ”one click purchasing“.  After brainstorming they came up with a way to reduce the number of clicks to purchase something, to one.  Kind of like eBay’s “Buy It Now” button, or the “Checkout” button on any ecommerce site.
• US Pat. 6368227: Steven Olson came up with a ripper of an idea – how to use a “swing”.  You know those things that hang from a tree branch or bar that you swing on?  This chump actually owns the patent for swinging back and forth on one.
• US Pat. 4300473: Donald B. Poynter invented a way to lick a stamp without using your tongue, except it may use your tongue as the “applicator”.
• US Pat. 6994809: Walter H. Prior invented a way to patch holes in walls, by creating a same-shape plug and then plastering over it.  This incredible invention was only a 100 years too late to be patented by someone who’s not an idiot, but fortunately the Patent Office is full of them and it got through.
• US Pat. 6360693: Ross Eugene Long, III, that’s Ross Eugene Long, THE THIRD!!!!, managed to patent a device that lets you play with your dog.  It’s like a stick but synthetic.  Ross Eugene Long THE THIRD!!!! managed to sketch a  concept for his invention – check it out – it looks exactly like some sort of “stick”. 
• US Pat. 4151613:  In 1973 Jhoon G Rhee invented an “ass pad” so you wouldn’t hurt your ass if you fell off a skateboard.
• US Pat. 1167502: Almost 100 years ago, Ernest Peck invented the scarecrow.  Or patented it.  Pretty much the same thing but mechanical was patented in 1978.
• US Pat. D203446: In 1964 Gary R. Napier invented the Christmas tree, apparently.
• US Pat. 4447093: The wheel, yes, THE wheel, was apparently invented by Joel C. Cunard and William H. Ziegler, Jr just a short 24 years ago.  Prior to that I believe cars, carts, bicycles, skateboards, rollerskates and everything else used some sort of “round thing”.

Clearly the patent system is quite retarded, but evidently it’s been that way for a long time now.  Silly little muppets.